I don’t know why I did what I did this morning. I couldn’t sleep at all and my head was screwed on loose. I stumble onto your page and accidentally see his face. First impressions, seems like a great person and you seem happy and cute in the profile picture with this nice individual. It’s all I’ve been praying all along. I never once prayed that you would end up with me, no matter what, I always wanted what was best for the both of us. I know it isn’t a race but I wish I found someone too. I know too well though, that I wouldn’t be ready anyways.
I knew this day would come— that that person would finally have a face. It still hurt though, so much that I immediately got my nikes and started running like Forrest Gump. I ran as fast as I could, even when I got dehydrated, I just kept on running until my legs grew weak and I fell on my knees cos they started shaking so much. I absolutely hated that I couldn’t cry, really needed the river to flow. I just sat at the curb and watched the sunrise. I was simultaneously so happy for you and incredibly sad. When I walked back home, I bought a pack of Marlboro reds and smoked about 5 which resulted in me puking my guts out. It felt somewhat refreshing.
I shook my head, couldn’t believe how I was living my life lately. How rude, distant, and disconnected I was with all my friends and my dreams. They didn’t deserve that. They deserved my love and truth. Some friends are getting married, having children, others’ parents passed away… and here I was, lovesick and deeply conflicted about our friendship. I don’t disregard my situation as any less but i guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s time for me to detox.
I remember watching Bon Iver perform “Beth/Rest” at Coachella 2012, I had lost my friends to Miike Snow’s stage because I decided to stay and wait for Bon. And when he played this song, I’m not sure if it was the air filled with weed but I started balling, everyone else next to me were crying too and some of us started laughing. What can I say, it was such a bliss moment in the night desert as the cool air started breezing its way through us. That was when I decided that I had to go to Boston to tell you everything because our friendship deserved the risk and chance.
There are three parts to this chapter of you, maybe an epilogue, but for now the last part is still pending. As heartbroken and damaged I might have come out of this mess, I don’t ever regret it because without it I wouldn’t be the person I am today and continue to grow to be more of the person I’m supposed to be and help the people I can help. It was also a rare and unconditional love I never expected to experience, and I felt alive at least. I felt, you know?
This is a long post, and I give mad props and genuine thanks to people who actually took the time to read it regardless if they’re anyway related or not to me and my friend. My last post for now, I must pull a Miles Davis and do this withdrawal myself. All in all, thanks.
Yours truly,
Charlie
God Bless
p.s. if you need to contact me, email me at holybeech@gmail.com or my other private email if you know it!
(Source: Spotify)
